


Doubts

by krisrussel



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-20
Updated: 2012-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-08 04:49:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krisrussel/pseuds/krisrussel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has doubts after he asks Delenn to marry him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts

**Author's Note:**

> Something that jumped to me after watching ‘Falling towards Apotheosis’ for the billionth time. I just thought they were a little bit too easy about the whole 20 years thing...

He should feel happy. He knows he should. Yesterday he had given his soulmate an engagement ring. She had accepted to marry him. Then why was he feeling so bad?  
Sitting down on the bench in the zen garden, he buried his head in his hands.  
“You okay?”  
He looked up to see Stephen walk up to him. For a second he wanted to lie, to tell his friend that everything was a-okay. But he was sick of pretending and he knew Stephen was a good friend and would be willing to listen. Maybe he could give him some advice too.  
“No... no, I’m not.”  
Stephen sat down next to him. “Want to talk about it?”  
“I asked Delenn to marry me.”  
A confused frown appeared on Stephen’s face. “Don’t tell me she declined.”  
“She didn’t.”  
“Then why do you look and sound so miserable?”  
John sighed. “She’s Minbari, Stephen. She may live another 100 years. I only have 20 years left. How... how can I do that to her?”  
Stephen could hear the pain in John’s voice and felt sorry for his friend. After everything John and Delenn had gone through this was something they really didn’t deserve. He knew how much they loved each other and they deserved an eternity of happiness together.  
“So, you want to cancel the wedding?”  
“I just... God, Stephen, I love her so much, but how can I do this to her? How can I marry her knowing I’ll only be able to stay with her for such a short amount of time?”  
“Don’t you think that’s something you should be discussing with her?”  
John sighed again and raked a hand through his hair. “I know... it’s just...”  
“You need to put your thoughts in order.”  
John grunted in reply.  
“Go to her, John. Talk to her.”  
Another sigh escaped him and he nodded. “Thank you, Stephen. You’re a true friend.”  
The younger man smiled. “So are you, John.”  
A half smile appeared on his face as he got up from the bench.  
“Alright. Time to face the music.”  
“Just listen to her, John. She might surprise you.”  
He grunted again and walked out of the garden towards Green Sector.  
  
He didn’t know how long he had been standing in front of her door. But he was brought out of his thoughts when the door to Delenn’s quarters suddenly opened and Lennier gave him a questioning look.  
“Can I help you, Captain?”  
“Uh... yeah... is Delenn in?”  
The young aide nodded and moved aside to let him pass.  
“John!” Delenn’s face lit up with a broad smile as she saw him cross the threshold. “Lennier, you are excused for the night.”  
Lennier slightly bowed and walked out with a hesitant step. The door closed behind him and then John and Delenn were alone. When she looked at him a little bit better, her smile faded.  
“What is wrong, John?”  
He stared at the ring on her finger. “I... I love you.”  
The look on her face turned into worry. “And I love you.”  
She had expected him to smile at that, like he always did, but instead he stayed serious, almost sad even and that worried her to no end.  
“John?” She took a step closer to him but he took a step back. At that moment she felt her heart breaking. “John, please... tell me what is wrong.”  
“I was selfish.”  
‘You?” She would have laughed at that statement if he hadn’t been looking so damn serious.  
“When I asked you to marry me, I was only thinking about my own happiness. Not about yours.”  
“John...”  
“Please, let me finish.” He took a breath and continued, “I only have 20 years left, Delenn. And God knows I want nothing more than to spend them with you, but it’s only 20 years. That’s nothing for a Minbari. And I’ve done my homework. Minbari commit for life... for both their lives, no matter how fast a partner passes away, they will not commit themselves to another. Not ever. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone after I’m gone. You deserve happiness and a devoted partner for the rest of your life... not just for 20 years.”  
His confession saddened her, but also warmed her heart. He was willing to give up his own happiness to try and make her happy. Even if she had ever doubted his love for her, she would never doubt it again. He did love her beyond anything, even himself. Her heart felt whole again.  
“May I speak?”  
He simply nodded, trying desperately to contain the tears he felt rising. This would be it... she would agree with him and they would be over and done with. He’d lose the best thing that had ever happened to him.  
Keeping her distance, she gave him a slight smile. “You, Captain John J. Sheridan of Earth and commander of the Army of Light make me happy. Whatever time either of us have left, I want to spend it with you. I want to officially bind our souls for this life and all the lives that will come next. With all that is happening right now and that has happened, we should count ourselves blessed the universe has granted us 20 more years together.”   
As she was talking, she slowly walked closer to him and to her absolute joy he wasn’t turning away from her.   
“Whatever time we have left, I would not want anything more than to spend it with you.”  
She was right up to him now and she could clearly see the unshed tears in his eyes.  
“I love you, John Sheridan and I cannot imagine my life... my universe without you in it. If you wish to be separated from me, then I will reluctantly accept, but know it will not make me happy. It will sadden me to my core.”  
The next moment she found herself wrapped in strong arms that were holding her tight. His head was resting on her shoulder and he was softly crying. She clung to him, unable to suppress her own tears.  
“I will never stop loving you.” She whispered very softly, “you are a part of my heart and you hold part of my soul.”  
“I don’t deserve you.” He almost choked on his words, “but I don’t want to live without you.”  
“Neither I without you.”  
  
It took them a while before they were willing to even slightly part and as they looked at each other, faces barely inches apart, all they saw in each other’s eyes was pure love. He gently touched her face and wiped her tears away.  
“Do you have any idea how absolutely beautiful you are?”  
She blushed slightly and it made him grin like an idiot. He knew that, even after all this time, she was still unsure of her own body and the way she looked after the transformation. So he knew how important it was to repeat it regularly. And it wasn’t as if he had to lie, because she really was one of the most beautiful creatures he had ever laid eyes on. It had been what he thought when she had first revealed herself to them and that conviction had never crumbled, he had only come to think of her as even more beautiful. Both inside and outside.  
“I know...” he began, his voice ever so soft, “that there are rituals you want us to abide to and I respect that and I can wait, but can I please stay here tonight? Just to hold you? Like I said yesterday, I’m not sure we’ll survive the next couple of weeks, so right now I would like nothing more than to hold you in my arms while I fall asleep.”  
She gently touched his cheek and traced the path his tears had left behind.  
“I would like nothing more.”  
The grin on his face was enormous and it made her laugh. He hugged her again and no matter what lay ahead of them in the coming weeks and months, this moment and this night would help him through it all, he had no doubts about that.  
  
The end


End file.
